


Hello Again

by phenixxx



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: I'm not very good at writing angst plz forgive me, M/M, other characters will probably show up at some point, riku is ridden with guilt, slight angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-22
Updated: 2017-06-02
Packaged: 2018-11-03 14:59:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10969647
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phenixxx/pseuds/phenixxx
Summary: With his best friend and first love gone, Riku is willing to do whatever it takes to see him again.





	1. Graveyard Visit

                It was a dark night. A beyond dark night. The kind that appears in horror films, scary stories, a zombie apocalypse. The sky was pitch black, no light from the stars. The only light for miles was the occasional flash of lighting. The storm that rained down was ridiculous. Thunder boomed loud enough to shake the earth and knock you off your feet. Your person was instantly soaked within a few seconds of standing outside.

                So, of course, I was soaked to the bone. My body had given up on trying to become warm again; it stopped shaking hours ago. The feeling in my lips are gone. My face, my fingers, my feet, even my legs; gone. All feeling has left.

                But I refuse to move myself from my current location. I do not deserve the feeling of warmth and of comfort. I am not worthy of a peaceful night, wrapped up in the familiar comfort of my house under my covers, hidden away from the storm. I need nothing more than the silence of the cold night. Deserve nothing more than being frozen to the bone, sad and alone.

                This gravestone in front of me is my reminder of all of that. The person below my feet, their body being wrapped in the warmth of the earth, the warm blanket of death, he doesn't deserve it. He deserves life, to brighten someone's day with his goofy smile, to light the way of others. He deserves to have this sorry excuse I call a life. He'd be able to turn it around and make everything right. Let me take his place, let me take his death away.

                But his death is my fault, so why should I be worthy enough to have death. No, I deserve to continue living this sorry life, knowing I took the breath from the definition of innocence. I need nothing more than the thought of knowing he's no longer going to get hurt. That at least now, he's perfectly okay.

                Though I can't shake my feelings of sadness, this overwhelming feeling of guilt that's been eating me from the inside out since that day. That day when everything went wrong, when he jumped in front of me and fell before me. If only I hadn't been frozen with shock, I would've been able to move him out of the way.

                An almost deadly grip of pain wraps itself around my heart as the memory replays itself in my mind. The way everything happened in slow motion, the way the tears fell from his eyes. The loss of color in his cheeks, the smile that spread across his dying lips. He looked so happy, like he'd achieved something he always wanted in life.

                Tears start pouring down my face, the salty water mixing with that of the rain. My body falls forward, my hands barely able to catch me as they hit the gravestone.

                Huh, funny.... I thought it'd be cold...

                The concrete almost feels warm under my fingertips, like my being has become as cold as the tomb. My eyesight has started to blur, more so than with just the heavy rain. His name is right below me, only being hit by the water that runs off my nose.

                "Why....? Why?"

                It's harder to move now, all feeling completely gone. I can't even hold myself up anymore. My arms buckle, my head connecting with the grave in what I assume is a painful manor. I can't feel it, but I know I hit it pretty hard; there's a warm liquid that's mixing with the rain water and spreading on the ground. It's making its way to my eye, taking my eyesight even more. A small noise, what you might call a laugh, forces its way past my blue lips.

                "Maybe now.....I'll get to see you again....."

                By this point I'm completely useless, and everything is impossible. I can feel the world starting to fade from my surroundings, and I can't feel the pain from the coldness anymore. My eyes start to close, there being no reason to keep them open anymore.

                I never thought you could feel death, but I feel myself give up. I feel my body shut down, the blood starting to slow, my heart no longer working like it's supposed to. I can feel my brain start to quit, knowing there's no point. I can tell I'm almost gone.

                But right before I'm able to escape this hell of a life. Right before I'm able to smile again. I'm so close to seeing him again, that I can smell him, but right before I'm able to...

                I feel myself wrapped in a warming embrace.

                _"Not yet. It's not time..."_

My being starts to stir slightly, my eyes starting to wake up.

                "S-Sora...?"


	2. Back to "Normal"

A giggle. The kind you hear in movies with all the little kids at the park. The kind that brightens up a room and casts the darkness away. The kind that can bring a smile to anyone's face and remind them what love is again. The kind you don't ever what to disappear, because that giggle is the definition of life itself.

It's his giggle. I can hear it so clearly, like he's sitting right beside me. Like he was never gone. But he's not beside me. I look around the empty space, but I don't see him.

My surroundings feel weird, like they're real but they're not there. Color doesn't exist, and there's no need to breathe. I feel weightless, yet I'm glued to the earth.

There it is again; his giggle.

"Sora!" My body rises to a sitting position, my eyes finally opening. There's a beeping machine next to me, the lights of the room dimmed, and an excruciating pain in my head. My hand goes to my bandaged head as I lay back down in my hospital bed, the saddening realization that he's not here starting to set in.

"So you finally woke up?"

I turn my head toward the sound of the voice, a new pain making its presence known. I guess I make a face, for Kairi moves from the door frame to my bed, making it easier to look at her. She has a small smile on her red lips, but her face is full of what looks to be regret.

"Kairi-"

"Don't ever do that again." Tears start to form in her eyes, her hair falling from behind her ear to cover her face. I make the effort to raise my hand to tuck it behind her ear again, but she beats me to it. And instead grabs my hand with her own. "I thought I lost you too..."

At this I let my eyes fall from her face and look elsewhere. I don't say anything, though I know she wants me to. She wants me to say I'm sorry and I didn't mean to, but I know that's a lie. And though she won't admit it, she does too.

"How long was I out?" I figure a change of topic is best to stop the awkwardness from filling the air. Even if she is my best friend, things between us have been awkward since that day. We can no longer hang out like we use to, for more than the obvious reason. She feels she needs to protect me, checking up on me every couple of hours. And I know she just wants to make sure I'm okay, but I hate feeling like I'm a burden. Her life is already hard enough.

Kairi places her hand on my forehead, brushing my silver locks away from my face. Her small frame sits on the edge of my bed, the small smile never leaving her face. "About a week. The doctors said they feared you'd gone into a coma. What were you doing out there anyway?"

It's a routine question, just like the others she asks every day. She knows the answer more than anyone.

"I had to see him."

She nods her head, a tear finally escaping and sliding down her cheek. Her smile finally fades, and I know she's about ready to burst. It's no surprise when she lays down on my chest, her hand squeezing mine. It's no surprise when I feel her cold tears through my thin hospital gown. I wrap my arms around her as best I can, knowing that even strong Kairi needs to cry every once in a while.

"I thought I lost you, Riku. When we got in that argument.... I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it... I thought you'd go see him, but I didn't think you would stay out when it started storming... I'm such an idiot... I should've gone after you..."

The argument. The one that caused me to go see Sora, just like I always do when I need comfort. The argument where Kairi and I went all out, and she didn't hold back like she normally did. It started out like our normal fights, where she mentions me going to get help. Where she mentions that I need to let him go and move on with my life, where I'm not the only one that lost him. And part of me agrees with her, but I'll never do it.

I had my same comebacks. That his death was my fault and I didn't deserve to be happy because of it. That she didn't need to worry about me. That being in a mental home would keep me from seeing Sora whenever I wanted, more like need to.

We were yelling for hours before Kairi's anger got the best of her. She started complaining how she was always worried about me and her life was already stressful enough. That she did have a life and she couldn't afford to give up on it like I had. By this point I was just waving her off, till I started to get irritated. It's like she was blaming my behavior on Sora, and I snapped.

I remember slapping her cheek and yelling at her to just leave me alone if I was such a bother. She had placed her hand on her cheek and turned away from me before she stated the words that had caused me to run out in need for Sora.

_"He shouldn't have died for you."_

Even remembering the words now causes my chest to hurt and my arms loosen around Kairi. My eyes stare up at the ceiling, memory of that night playing over in my head. I was almost gone, I was almost dead. So why had I survived? Why did I?

" _Not yet. It's not time..."_

Had that been him? Was he the one that spoke to me, saved me? I don't understand why when I don't need to be alive anymore. I have no one else besides Kairi, but she has other friends. She has a whole life ahead of her, when I have nothing.

A knock at the door causes Kairi to lift herself off me, her hands wiping her tears away. She smiled, rising off of the bed and moving to sit in a chair. A doctor with long blonde hair walks into the room, a clipboard in his hand, and stops at the foot of my bed.

"Well, you've decided to wake up. Isn't this wonderful." His eyes flash from my monitors down to his clipboard as he writes stuff down. "Have you been having any memory issues? Do you feel any pain? Can you tell me your name?"

My eyelids flutter close slowly and are in no more of a hurry to open. I drag my dry tongue across my dry lips, looking to the table beside my bed to see if there was a glass of water. I try not to move my head to much as I reach out toward the glass. I'm thankful when Kairi helps me. Lifting my arm is so exhausting and I just want to sleep.

After my drink, my eyes focus back on the doctor in front of me. "My name is Riku, I can remember everything fine and my head hurts."

He jots some more stuff down on his board before he moves to the side of my bed, messing with one of the bags that hangs beside me. He mumbles something about upping my morphine before he starts to exit the room.

Kairi catches him before he leaves. She glances over her shoulder nervously at me before talking with him out in the hallway. I could care less about what she's talking about with him. The morphine has started to kick in, and I'm more exhausted than ever. The ceiling slowly starts to fade, everything becoming black.

 

-o-

 

My house feels so different now, so much more empty than normal. When I set my keys down, the clink echoes through the empty house instead of being taken over by the sound of Kairi's footsteps. She finally let me come back home after spending a few days at her house. She wanted to keep watch, but I was starting to feel cramped.

My house has much less furniture than hers, and the walls are bare. The only picture I have in the house is currently covered, for I can't bare to look at it without having a break down.

I shuffle my feet across the hardwood floor toward the couch, plopping down on it and turning on the TV. I don't really watch it anymore, but I need some sort of noise to help distract me. I normally stare at the ceiling and remember better days.

Back when we would all come over to my house to play video games. When we would all go buy Chinese food and have movie marathons. When we would just be together just because we could be.

It hurts, knowing I'll never have that again. Knowing that things will never be the same, and I'll never be completely happy again.

The phone ringing tears me away from my thoughts. A small groan escapes me as I turn my head slowly toward the small table beside the couch, the phone on top of it buzzing away as if it had nothing better to do. I slowly reach over to pick it up, running my fingers over my eyebrows as I lean back.

"This is Riku."

"Hello, Riku. My name is Dr. Zexion. I was just calling to confirm our appointment for tomorrow at 3:00."

"Sorry, what?"

"Our appointment. I was told Dr. Vexen had spoken to you about this."

So that's what Kairi was talking to him about, what she'd be so secretive about. Another groan makes itself heard as I lean forward, my elbows on my knees.

"Yeah, right, right. Where will this be again?"

"My office. Right across the street from City Hall. Room 202."

"Okay, thank you."

I hang up the phone before he's able to say anything else. I have half a mind to call Kairi about this, but I figure there really is no need. It won't hurt to go talk to someone. It's the least I can do for her after all, she's done so much for me.

I look up at the clock on the wall. Only 2:45. Kairi's at work for another fifteen minutes and I really have nowhere else to go. There's nothing to do at my house. I can't play video games anymore, I can't watch movies anymore. And I haven't touched Chinese food since the last night he stayed at my house. The night he confessed.

I still remember my reaction. How I thought nothing of it and I just pushed it aside like an idiot. I still remember how his face fell. I could see I had crushed something inside of him. How something inside me didn't feel right that night. I remember it all like it just happened. But this was months ago.

He's been gone for three months now, and I don't know how I'm supposed to survive another day without him.

I remember how the day afterward, he didn't sit as close to me on the couch. I didn't catch him staring at me with his goofy smile. That there was now a slight awkwardness between us when we were alone.

I didn't want any of that. I didn't like it at all.

I realized my feelings too late though. And before we were able to have our happy ending, he was taken from me.

I slam my hand down onto my glass table, trying to pull myself from my thoughts. I shouldn't be thinking about this. But all I want to do is cry. The table shatters under my hand, multiple pieces finding their way into my skin as the others fall onto the floor.

The blood that pours from my hand and onto the white rug doesn't pull an emotion from me. I simply just stare at it, pulling the glass out of the muscle. More blood starts to flow onto the floor.

"Fuck."

Kairi's sure to yell at me for this.

I don't even bother trying to stop the cut, just pick up the phone and hit Kairi's contact. She answers halfway through the second ring just like always. She never misses my phone calls anymore, always fearing I'll do stupid stuff.

Like smash my hand on my glass table.

"Riku, what's wrong?"

"I cut my hand."

"You WHAT? How? Where? How deep is it?"

"Relax. It's fine, I just need to know the location of the emergency kit." It was kinda sad how Kairi had grown to know my house more than me.

I could tell Kairi rolled her eyes by the way she sighed. "Just get some paper towels or something and apply pressure. I'm picking up a few things, I'll be over in a few."

"Thank you."

"Yeah, yeah." She hangs up the phone before I'm given the chance to.

I set the phone back in its rightful place, my hand bleeding all over the floor, before I make my way to the kitchen. I rise it off in the sink before I wrap it in paper towels. I would try and clean the blood off the floor, but she's likely to yell at me for not doing it right.

She's the only reason my house is so clean now-a-days. I should really do something for her to show my gratitude.

I walk back over to the couch, sitting down in the same spot, waiting for the knockknock kn-knock thing Kairi always does before she just opens the door. It doesn't take long before she's making her way into my home, her heels on the hardwood floor disrupting the natural silence of the house. She's carrying groceries, yelling away on her phone.

I turn on the couch, watching her as she yells at someone named Phillip while placing the bags on the counter.

"Just get him here by tomorrow, we need this photo shoot. I gotta go." She hangs up the phone with a groan, walking down the hall without a glance in my direction. I hear cabinets opened and closed before she returns with the emergency kit. "Alright where is it?"

I unwrap my hand, the bleeding having slowed, lifting it up to show her. She takes a deep breath before she sits next to me on the couch, taking out disinfecting spray and some bandages. She looks so tired and frustrated. I nudge her knee with mine, hinting it's okay to talk.

And she goes to town.

"Why do models think it's okay to just blow off their jobs whenever they feel like it because they're famous? We're the ones that get their picture out there! This new kid is only, what, twenty two? And he thinks he's the BEST thing to every happen to my company! Like today, we had a shoot at noon and he doesn't show. We called his manager and guess where the kid was. ON THE OTHER HALF OF THE FUCKING COUNTRY!"

A small smile plays at my lips as she wraps my hand. We've been a lucky group of kids, but she works so hard, I think Kairi forgets sometimes that she's only twenty, me being only a year older. She's worked so hard since middle school and climbed the ladder easy at her job. With her being the boss, she refers to everyone she works with as kids even though she’s the youngest one.

When she's finished wrapping, I look over at the groceries she brought. "So, what do you want for dinner?"

"You can't cook with your hand like that."

"Relax. It'll be fine. Just take a load off and breathe."

She sighs as I make my way to the kitchen, but I can hear the smile in her voice as she speaks quietly. "Thanks Riku."

 

-o-

 

Well, this is the place. Might as well make the best of it.

I enter the office building five minutes before 3:00, quickly finding the room. Dr. Zexion is waiting for me when I open the door, a book in his hand. He's sitting with his legs crossed at his desk in the corner of the room. He lifts his head up when he hears the door open, a small welcoming smile tugging at his thin lips.

"Riku, welcome. Please, have a seat wherever you like."

I nod my head, deciding to take a seat where I know I'll be most comfortable; the window seat. It's the farthest seat from the doctor, but I've always found comfort being next to windows.

"Well, your Doctor told me about what happened the night you were brought to the hospital. And I would like to get your side of the story. But first, how are you feeling?"

I shrug my shoulders, eyes focused out the window on the ground below. "I'm just fine."

"Mind telling me what happened to your hand?"

I looked down at my hand, curling and uncurling my fingers. "I slammed it down on my table."

"Why's that Riku?"

"I was thinking about him again. And it just kinda happened."

"Who is 'him'?"

I shake my head, looking out of the window again. I turn my body, placing one foot in the window seat with me, bending my knee so my arm can wrap around it.

Dr. Zexion nods his head, rising out of his chair to place his book back on the bookshelf. "I see. Well, is there anything you would like me to know about you?"

I shrug my shoulders again. "I live alone, most of the time. Don't sleep that often for fear of dreaming. Spend most of my time at the graveyard. Kairi takes care of me. I don't do a whole lot of anything."

"Who is Kairi?"

"She's one of my best friends, the only friend I have left."

"Why do you fear dreaming?"

I sigh, starting to hate the constant question asking. But I'm doing this for Kairi. It's the least I can do to help put her mind to ease.

"I see him in my dreams. They start out good, but they always end the same."

"Right, right. Forgive me if I'm wrong, but, is this 'him' you're talking about the one you visit at the graveyard?"

I nod my head, watching the people walking down the street outside the window.

"So, what exactly happened at the graveyard that night?"

"I go see him for comfort. That night.... I wanted to really see him. I felt myself dying. But something stopped me. I heard him calling out to me."

"The man that brought you to the hospital?"

I feel my eyebrows furrow, my body turning to face the other man in the room. The man? What was he talking about? Didn't Kairi find me? Didn't she take me to the hospital?

"No, I heard Sora. Who took me to the hospital?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologizing for any mistakes, my proof reading skills suck. I'm in the process of looking for a proofreader.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed!


	3. Surprise Guest

The walk home seems to be so much longer than the walk to Dr. Zexion's office. The wind has picked up, and it slices through my jacket like I'm not even wearing one. He never did tell me who took me to the hospital; says no one knows for sure and he was hoping I did. The nurses said it was someone with black spiky hair, but they had a mask on so they couldn't see his face.

Not that it matters though. They should've just let me die.

I don't suppose the appointment with Dr. Zexion was so bad, but I would prefer if he didn't want to see me in three days.

My hand slowly slips inside my pocket as my phone vibrates, fingers lazily flipping it open as I bring it up toward my ear. "This is Riku."

"Wow, you finally answered for once. I heard you were in the hospital. You alright, dude?"

Hayner. A co-worker of mine who considers me a friend, mainly for the reason that I take his shift when he wants to go out and drink. It's the only reason he calls, the only reason he bothered to learn my name.

"Yeah, I'm just fine. I'll be headed to work after I get my bag from the house."

"Are you sure you should be working? I heard you had major head injuries."

I take a deep breath, my other hand automatically finding its way toward my eyebrows. I had nearly forgotten about the injuries, that I'd been unconscious for a week, that my head had been sewed closed. If my hair wasn't as long as it was, you'd be able to see the mark that would for sure scar.

"I said I'm fine. Is there a reason you called?"

By this point my house is in sight, and my voice has started to sound irritated. My feet continue to move toward my front porch, eyes narrowing as I see someone standing right outside my door.

"Uh, yeah. Where are you? I've rang your doorbell like five times already."

I feel my eyebrow twitch, hand automatically pulling the phone away from my head. There he is. The slime ball of a high school dropout whose main goal in life is to get drunk and sleep with everyone he can. I close my eyes as another frustrated sigh leaves my nose. _What is he doing here?_

I close the phone and slip it back in my pocket, watching as the male standing on my porch double checks his phone to see if I’d really just hung up on him. He’s so caught up he doesn’t notice I’ve walked up until I’m standing right beside him. His eyebrows fly up to meet his greased hair line.

“Shit Riku! Make a noise or something, don’t just walk up behind people like that!”

“What are you doing here.” With my voice so flat it’s more of a statement than a question.

He just smiles and runs a hand through his hair before giving me a thumbs up. “I’m your babysitter for the next couple of days! And I came over to check on you~”

Without thinking, my eyes narrow, and I’ve shoved my hand against his chest, forcing his back to collide with my front door. “What the hell do you mean _babysitter_? I’m a grown ass man, unlike you. I can take care of myself.” My first thought is that someone from work put him up to this, but knowing I don’t talk to anyone else, I have no idea why.

A small grunt escapes his lips as his eyes widen. “K-Kairi. Kairi sent me…”

My hand automatically lets him go. A deep sigh escapes me as my hand once again returns to my eyebrows. Why was having a caring friend so exhausting? Hayner just looks down at his slightly wrinkled shirt, flattening it out before directing his attention back to me. He tilts his head to the side, before his grin returns.

“Ah, don’t worry Riku. I promise I’ll stay out of your long hair. She just asked me to stay with you a few days.”

My hands had already started to remove my keys from my pocket and unlock the door, but completely fumbled once I heard the words _stay with you._ I open the door a crack before turning my head to meet his gaze. “Whoa, what the hell do you mean stay with me?”

The male simply smiled and grabbed a backpack off of the ground, slinging the worn strap over his jacket. He made his way past me and walked freely into my house like he’d done so a million times before. “Talk to Kairi about it. Just following orders.”

I can feel a slight tug at my heart. Why would she tell him this? Kairi knows how much I hate having guests in my house. They ask too many questions. They touch too much stuff. They move it around and make themselves at home. Even Kairi knows to keep to herself in my house. It hasn’t had a homey vibe since….

I shake my head, frowning as I walk into the house and shut the door. I can already hear his footsteps walking through the house, his being mixing with the calmness of the normally guestless house. I place the keys in a bowl beside the door before walking around the corner. Hayner’s set up his own little area on the love seat, and a huge part of me relaxes. Maybe Kairi told him the “rules” of the house.

I guess he notices me relax because he just gives me a sad smile, brown eyes quickly glancing toward the main couch’s right cushion before looking back up at me. He shrugs his shoulders before going back to digging in his backpack. I nod my head toward his back, figuring it would be best to try and accept the fact that he’s here. If he leaves, Kairi would kill both of us.

I make my way into the kitchen, almost having settled with the thought of having someone else in my house after three months. But just as I do, he does the thing that almost pushes him right back outside.

The male lays down on the couch, crossing his ankles over the armrest opposite of his head and clicks on the TV. Without looking back at me and mindlessly flipping through channels, he starts asking questions. “Hey Riku, your house is pretty bland isn’t it?” He laughs, quickly becoming bored with what the TV has to offer him. I can see his eyes scan the room for something else before they land on the rows of movies I have under the TV. “Dude! What a movie collection! Can we watch some of these?”

He gets off of the couch and heads toward them like I’ve already answered. But before his fingers are able to touch the handle to open the glass door, a butter knife hits the TV stand. His eyebrows hit his hairline and he snatches his hand away and looks at me like I’m a lunatic. “What the hell?!”

“Don’t. Touch. The. Movies.”

                               

-o-

 

“Riku!”

“What?”

“You can’t just throw knives at people!”

I can hear the annoyance in her voice, but I know it’s better not to comment on it. It’s not my fault he tried to touch someone else’s stuff. I just shrug my shoulders as I lean back against the couch’s armrest. Kairi knows exactly what I’m thinking too, because she simply just sighs.

“Look, Riku, I know you don’t like him. But I just want to make sure you’ll be okay without me there.”

I nod my head as if she could see me. I can’t help but feel frustrated. I am older than her and she treats me as if I’m a small child. Though, if our roles were switched, I’d probably have someone watching her all the time too. No matter how much her babying bothers me, I’m extremely grateful for it. Kairi’s all I have left.

“I’ll be back in just a few days, okay? Please take care of yourself and Hayner. I’ll call again-“

“To check up on us, I know. Get some rest Kairi, everything will be fine.”

Her smile sneaks its way through the phone as a laugh and I can hear her collapse onto a bed. “Thank you, Riku.” I simply smile into the phone before hanging it up. She had to track down the new model they’re working with and they decided to just do the shoot there.

And so here I am, toes curled in between the couch cushions trying to drown out the sound of Hayner’s snoring. It’s late but I’m nowhere near tired. Not that I could sleep anyway. I lean back and place my phone on the table, turning to look at the black TV. The butter knife still lays under the stand, Hayner having left it when he stormed off to the guest room, cursing under his breath about how he’s going to hate staying here.

Not that I’m looking forward to it either. But I can’t kick him out. I release a sigh as I rise off the couch and go pick up the butter knife before taking it to the kitchen. I simply rinse it off before putting it in the drawer. I let my hand slide across the spotless counter, remembering the days when I never had a clean dish.

I look around the dark kitchen and living room, knowing that even without light, it’s completely clean. Everything is exactly where it’s supposed to be. With the lights on, it looks like a staged home someone’s trying to sell, not a place that’s been lived in for almost four years now. My house isn’t a home anymore, I’ve made sure of it.

I make my way back into the living room, kissing my hand and placing it on the right cushion of the main couch whispering goodnight, before I go down the hall to my own room. The lights remain off as I take off my clothes and place them in the hamper, crawling under the covers in only my boxers. I stare up at the ceiling, eyes already accustomed to the darkness.

Hours probably pass before I finally yawn. I turn onto my side, looking at the towel covered picture frame on my nightstand. I probably stare at it for another hour or two before I turn the other way and drift off to sleep.

 

-o-

 

Hayner’s sitting on the loveseat, feet kicked up and one arm behind his head, watching TV as he eats his ice cream. Life with him here hasn’t been as bad as I had thought it was going to be. The kid’s actually been pretty decent when he’s sober and doesn’t want anything. He doesn’t ask many questions and he won’t touch anything without asking. He even cleans up after himself. Completely different from the annoying Hayner I have to deal with at work.

We’ve even sort of fallen into a routine. Kairi told Hayner to make sure we worked the same shifts, so we’re literally together 24/7. The mornings consist of me waking up first and completing my own routine. I make sure the covered picture frame is the first thing I see when I wake up. Once I crawl out of bed, I make it and pick out clothes for the day. Then I shower, dress, towel dry my hair and go to make breakfast. I go knock on Hayner’s door when it’s ready, and he gets up without causing me trouble.

After breakfast, we head off to work. It’s only about a ten minute walk from my house, but we leave about an hour early. I always stop by the graveyard. I don’t go to his grave, I simply stand outside the gate and stare. Hayner doesn’t say a word or leave my side. He didn’t know Sora very well, only ever seeing him at Kairi’s parties, but he stares with me. We talk a little on the way home after work, Hayner doing most of the talking. He tells me of him and Kairi when they were little, before she moved here, stories I’ve never heard. Perks of them being family I guess. Once we get home, we go our separate ways. Hayner disappears into his room and leaves me be in the living room.

But today, we’re off and Hayner slept in. I still went to the graveyard this morning, but the walk home felt kind of strange. I’m used to being alone, so Hayner not being with me wasn’t the problem. It was more of the ‘you’re being watched’ feeling that made it strange. But I didn’t see anyone around, so I let it go. Hayner woke up around 1:00, when I was making lunch. But he didn’t go back to his room afterward, he went to the couch.

I finish cleaning up the kitchen before joining him in the living room. I sit in my usual seat, eyes glancing up at the clock before I look at Hayner. He’s let ice cream drip onto his shirt and he’s using his finger to wipe it up before he sticks it in his mouth. He’s still a child. I roll my eyes as I stand back up and grab my coat, grabbing my keys as I go to the door.

“Where are you going?” He finally peels his eyes away from the TV, using his elbow to lift himself up to look at me.

“I have an appointment across town and won’t be back for a while. You’ll have the house to yourself. Don’t touch anything you aren’t supposed to and don’t invite anyone over. Actually, go out. I’ll call when I get back.” I open the door, using my foot to keep it open as I quickly tie my hair back in a bun, hoping my house will be exactly the same when I return.

“Well wait! I’ll walk you there. I can just hang out afterward and then walk home with you.” He stumbles to his feet, running to the kitchen to throw his ice cream away. “Just give me a moment to change.”

I shake my head, starting to exit the house. “Thanks, but no thanks. I’d rather just walk by myself.” I leave before he’s able to say anything to stop me. I don’t mind his presence, but this is my time to be alone. And I’d like to keep it that way.

I’m about half way to Dr. Zexion’s office when I get that strange feeling again. That I’m being watched. While keeping my head down, I let my eyes wander, trying to find out why I’m feeling like this. But I can’t see that far out before my head starts to hurt. I groan, hand going to my scar. It’s been so long that I seem to have lost my ability. Knowing it’d be pointless to try again, I try and ignore it, quickening my pace to Dr. Zexion’s office. Maybe Kairi was right, maybe I really am going crazy.

 

-o-

 

_The male peered around the corner, lips pulling to a smirk as he watched the silver haired male across the street. He laughed slightly to himself, mumbling “He’ll be perfect” under his breath before he turned and disappeared._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Riku touches his eyebrows a lot when he's irritated because that's what I do.   
> I'm catching up to what I've already written, so updates will probably be slower.  
> This chapter is a little shorter but I had to cut it off here due to the content in the next chapter. 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed!


	4. Memories

“So, Riku, how’ve you been?” Dr. Zexion sits behind his desk like last time, looking up at me over his glasses. He has a hardcover notebook laid across his lap, old black jeans loose enough to let his legs cross, but still stretch at the knees. A grey shirt clings to his torso and his feet are clad in black combat boots. His blueish hair falls perfectly in place over his face, causing the slight bags under his eyes to pull his whole look together. With his reputation, you’d expect him to be old. Not someone in his mid-twenties.

I drag my tongue over my lips as I bring one knee up to my chest and turn to look out the window. My shoulders rise slightly before dropping back down, a small sigh leaving my nose. It’s only been three days since I was here last and I don’t really have much more to say. I could talk about Hayner coming to visit, but it seems like pointless information to share. Plus who knows what questions I’d be asked about him, and I’m not sure if I’d even have answers for some of them. It’s not like he’s been a big part of my life. He’s connected to Kairi, therefore connected to me.

I shake my head slightly, eyes still scanning the people that walk past the building, unaware that they’re being watched. My fingers move the few strands of loose hair and tuck them behind my ear. I never was able to capture them all when I put my hair up. Then again, I always had someone else to help me.

“Riku?” Dr. Zexion’s voice is calm, quiet. There was no rush, there was no irritation from me having remained mostly silent for almost the entire hour. He simply closed his notebook, uncrossing his legs as he set his notes on the desk in front of him. He removed his glasses as he leaned forward on his knees, offering me a small and understanding smile. “I’m here if you want to talk, but I will not force you to do so. If you think this is too soon, you are free to leave. We can always reschedule.”

My head turns slightly, eyes scanning the room as they make their way over toward Dr. Zexion. His office looks like it’s been lived in more than my own home. The couches, though not old, slightly worn from the constant contact with individuals. There are bookshelves covered in books, covers worn, the thin layer of dust disturbed every time one is taken off the shelf. The dark colors of the room are dimly lit, making the area feel safe, welcoming. The aura of the room matches that of the man who owns it. This would be a place that would make anyone comfortable enough to talk; this would be the place I’d recommend for someone to go and just relax. The room does a hell of a job; being here makes me feel calm, and forget the troubles of the real world if only for a little while.

Yet I don’t feel like talking. I don’t feel the need to get anything off my chest. My troubles aren’t here with me right now; not like they will be the moment I walk through that door.

“I’m sorry, I just….” The words die on my lips as the thought dies in my head. What am I apologizing for? What exactly do I want to say? I turn back to the window, watching the strangers as they mingle outside. There aren’t many people out now, most having finished running their errands around this time.

“You know, the way this room feels kinda reminds me of him.” My eyes are still looking at the ground below, my head is empty. But I don’t stop the words that come out of my mouth, nor do I try and direct my thoughts. I simply let myself talk.

“Not how loud and outgoing he was, not the way almost everyone saw him. This isn’t like when we were out in public. But when we were tucked away, hidden in what I used to call a home. When it was just us, it was like this room. It was calm, and enjoyable. Like nothing else mattered, because we were together. And we were comfortable. That’s what this room feels like; comfortable. It was the him only I knew. Only me, like I was special.” The whites of my knuckles start showing as my nails dig into my palm, a quick breath escaping my nose. “Special… yeah right…”

“To him you might have been.”

The statement is said quietly, gently, like he knows he’s walking on unstable ground. I drag my tongue over my lips, finally turning my body to face the other man in the room. With both feet on the ground, I place my hands beside me, fingers curling into the cushion of the window seat.

“I was, I know that… but…” A deep breath exits my lungs, head shaking as I stand up. “Thanks Doc, but I’m done for today.”

I head for the door, not stopping to give a proper goodbye or to schedule my next appointment. I figure if anything they’ll give me or Kairi a call. As of now, I need to see him. The guilt rising in my chest makes me want to hurl. I want to claw at my heart, pull it out of my chest to stop the pain. I’d rather crush it with my own hands than experience this. The door closes loudly behind me, Dr. Zexion still inside. He doesn’t follow, or call after me. Maybe he understands. Not that it matters though. All that matters now is the distance between me and the graveyard, me and Sora. I have to see him. I need him to calm me down.

-0-

The wind once again slices through my jacket. I try and push the thoughts of the world as far away as possible as I look down at the concrete below me. His name stares up at me and I can’t help but to picture his face, smiling as if nothing is wrong. He would always smile, always try his hardest to hide what he was really feeling. Except when…

I let myself fall to my knees, attempting a smile as moisture starts to gather in my lower lids. “Hey Sora, it’s been a while. I just wanted… t-to see you again. Man, it’s so hard without you here. I still can’t believe you’re gone.” My hand reaches down, fingers tracing the engraved letters of his name, “You’re really gone. . . Not that it should be a surprise right? I mean it is my fault. Of course it’s my fault. All of it. If I hadn’t brushed you aside, if I hadn’t reacted the way I did. . . would you still be here? Would you be by my side again? Would I be able to hear your laughter, see your smile, feel your body heat next to me?

“Oh Sora, I’m so sorry. I’m so, so, so very sorry. You don’t deserve this. You never deserved this.” The tears are constantly making their way down my face now, both hands placed on his grave. The sobs and incoherent sounds that escape my mouth are pitiful. I’ve become such a child without him here. “Sora, I need you. I need you so badly.”

Time ticks by as I continue looking at his name, tears causing the letters to blur together. Eventually I make my way to my back, like I’m laying down next to him. Like old times. I look up at the sky, it no longer being as blue as I remember. As evening creeps in, and light starts to fade, I start to talk to him again. Just like we used to.

“I had an appointment with a councilor today. His name is Dr. Zexion. I didn’t talk much for today’s appointment. Eventually feelings of you filled my head, and I just started talking. Can you believe it? I feel like you two would get along well. It looks like he reads a lot, maybe you two could discuss books.”

I tell him everything. All that crosses my head, everything that’s happened since the day he left. I tell him of the arguments with Kairi, and how she’s been taking care of me. I tell him how I can’t eat Chinese food anymore, and how I don’t watch movies or play video games. I tell him how I barely sleep, and how only two people have set foot in my house. I tell him of Hayner’s visit, update him on how Kairi’s doing, assure him that no one has sat in his corner seat at my place. I speak of Kairi’s job and how the new model is giving her hell. I talk about how the world doesn’t seem real anymore. How everything seems faded, how nothing is the same. The sun creeps across the sky as I explain everything, getting lower and lower.

“You know, I haven’t gotten more than three hours of sleep a night since you left. Not that I’m blaming you, of course. I just… It’s hard. The nightmares and all. They always start out nice, it’s always the three of us just like it used to be. Then Kairi leaves and it’s just us. We settle into each other as we watch TV, and it feels so real. Like you’re really there next to me, and I almost forget. Sometimes…” I let a sigh escape my lips, closing my eyes as I try and hold back tears. My hand clenches into a fist again, teeth biting at my lower lip.

“Sometimes it’s that day you confessed… But dream me makes a smarter decision. Instead of turning away, I kiss you… I don’t feel anything when it happens. I have no idea what your lips feel like, but in the dream, I seem so happy. I can only imagine that kissing you is the greatest thing in the entire world.”

A shaky breath escapes, nose sniffing the snot that’s starting to run down my skin, words sounding foreign due to the amount of saliva that’s accumulated in my mouth.

“But when I pull away, I’m back at that day…when you jumped in front… and you’re lying in my arms, you’re smile making me believe that you’re going to be okay… But you’re not! Why did you do it Sora?! Why did you… why did you sacrifice yourself…for someone like me?”

I role over onto my stomach, looking down at his name, fingers shaking as they trace the letters. I still can’t believe he’s really gone. I tired and tired and tried to push the thoughts away. To think of anything else. Make myself believe that he’s not gone. That he’s not….dead.

Everything rushes over me. Every emotion I’ve tried to hold back, every emotion I’ve ever felt. My entire body is shaking, heart being squeezed so tightly I can’t breathe. I sit back on my knees, arms wrapped around my stomach. My lips quiver, eyesight completely blurred by all the tears. I lean my head back, looking up at the sky, and I cry.

And I cry and I cry and I cry. And I scream and I wail. My throat burns from the loud noises that force their way out. But I don’t stop. Everything I’ve ever felt, I let it out. I cruse my own name, I curse whoever allowed him to be taken from me, I curse the doctors who couldn’t save him. I curse the man that did all this.

I scream till my voice is gone, cry till my head is pounding, sob until there are no tears left. Eventually I lay down beside him again, trying to make myself believe that he’s there next to me. Trying to make myself feel his warmth. My body is so tired, and sleep takes me easily.

-0-

When I finally come to, my eyes focus on the covered picture frame. I turn over in my bed, groaning as my head starts pounding. It takes me a minute or two before I realize I’m back in my room. My body flies forward, groaning louder as the quick movement causes my head to throb. When did I get here? Last I remember I was with Sora… A quick glance at the alarm clock tells me it’s 11:00pm. I left Dr. Zexion’s around 4:00pm, how long was I at the graveyard? How long have I been asleep?

There’s a slight tap at the door, a worried Hayner peeking into the room with a glass of water and some pain meds in his hands. A small smile tugs at his lips, nodding his head as he makes his way to the side of my bed.

“So you’re finally awake? I’m glad. Ah, here, I heard you groaning. Figured you could use ‘em.” He reaches out and hands me the meds, placing the glass on my bedside table. A sign leaves his nose, hands wiping onto his shorts. His eyes dart from place to place, like they’re scared to linger on one thing for too long. He looks nervous.

“Thanks.”

“I-I know I’m not supposed to set foot in here and I know I’m not supposed to go through your things I-I just-“

I lift up my hand, effectively cutting him off. “Hayner it’s okay. Thank you.”

He nods, slight relief overcoming his features. He stands awkwardly next to my bed as I swallow a few pills. His hands eventually make their way to his pockets, body swaying. “So, um, I ah, picked up dinner. Burgers and stuff. You didn’t come back and I was hungry so… Um, I got you one, i-if you want it.” He gestures toward the kitchen, raising his shoulders and he tucks his lips to one side of his mouth.

His movements are making me awkward, so I stare, raising an eyebrow slightly. Hayner’s never been this nervous around me before. Hell, when he arrived here a few days ago he waltzed right in my house like it was his own. Kairi must have said something regarding my room. Everything seems to be in place, so it’s something I’m willing to overlook. For now, anyway.

Making our way to the kitchen, Hayner keeps quiet, looking over his shoulder at me every few seconds. I take my normal seat on the couch, watching Hayner as he heats up the food. The thumbing of his fingers against the counter is the only noise aside from the microwave. And it stays silent, awkwardly silent. Even after the microwave has gone off, even after Hayner has brought me my food and has taken his own seat on the loveseat. It stays quiet as I eat, occasionally receiving glances from the other man.

The silence isn’t what bothers me. My house is normally quiet, save for the few times I turn on the TV to have background noise. The sound of my chewing doesn’t bother me, never something that has. The fact that Hayner’s fingers are fidgeting doesn’t bother me, for he’s gotten comfortable enough to start tapping on any surface he can, fingers always moving. Figure it’s a normal habit for a drummer to pick up. Out of everything that is currently happening in this very moment, out of everything that has happened since I woke up in my bed that I definitely didn’t fall asleep in, there is only one thing that is truly bothering me.

The fact that Hayner keeping staring at me with these nervous eyes.

Like he’s scared of me, or scared that I’m going to break.

I set my food on the couch cushion beside me (the left one, knowing very well nothing ever touches Sora’s spot save my hand when I’m saying goodnight) since the coffee table is still broken, and turn my full attention to the other male.

“What is it?”

“W-what do you mean?” His eyes glance elsewhere, anywhere but me.

“You’ve been acting weird since I woke up?”

“A-ah…I…No?” He shrugs his shoulders, hands clenching together so tightly his knuckles are white.

I let out a sigh. “Look, Hayner, if you don’t want to talk fine. But don’t try and act like something isn’t wrong.”

He takes a deep breath, leaning back against the loveseat before he finally looks at me. I’m not exactly sure what emotion is showing in his eyes. Maybe I’m out of practice.

“It’s just… Kairi told me what happened when So- when he….how you acted and stuff. You didn’t come home and so I got worried and went looking for you. Kairi would kill me if something went wrong. I figured you were probably at the graveyard, but about half way there….” His eyes are now looking at the floor, fingers fidgeting again.

“There was a man carrying you. Said he’d found you asleep beside a grave, that you were screaming and crying and… He picked you up when you passed out, said he couldn’t get you to wake up and was going to take you to a hospital.”

My body stiffens. A man? The hospital? “What did he look like?”

Hayner shakes his head. “Not sure. Had on a black jacket with a large hood, couldn’t really see his face.”

“Did he enter my house?”

“Wha-“

“Did he enter my house Hayner!” My voice comes out louder than normal, slightly driven by anger.

Hayner jumps before shaking his head. “No, no, I took you from him after he explained what happened. Look, Riku, I know you don’t necessarily like me, but I know your rules. I know how important it is for you to keep your house guest free. I would never do anything intentionally to make you uncomfortable.”

His voice sounds sincere, yet a little hurt, and relief washes over me. Part of me feels bad for accusing him of letting someone else in my house, but a larger part of me knows it’s only natural to question. Hayner doesn’t look near strong enough to carry someone, let alone at dead weight for more than ten minutes. A simple nod is all I offer him, my worries and my fears outweighing my decision to offer him an apology.

He runs a hand through his greased hair, or attempts to, before turning his attention back to me. “Riku, the screaming and the crying, are you sure you’re okay? Kairi mentioned that,” a sigh, “that’s how you acted before you shut yourself in for a month, after he…”

“Died? Yeah.” My body scoots back in my seat, the memories coming back to me in one go. Everything I felt, the overwhelming amount of stimulation from other people, from my own head, how everything almost pushed me over the edge.

I remember my fit. How I didn’t believe it when the doctors told me they were sorry, and that he didn’t make it. I didn’t believe it when Kairi was crying in my arms, or when we called the funeral home. I didn’t believe it when all of Sora’s friends gathered on that beautifully sunny day, and everyone claimed the weather was so beautiful because Sora was smiling down on us. I didn’t believe it when I saw him lying in that casket, or when they sealed it up for good, or when they put him in the earth. I didn’t believe it when the tombstone finally arrived and was laid on top of his grave. But the second my fingers touched the cold concrete, I lost it.

My episode at the graveyard today was merely a faction of what it was on that day. Everything hit me full force, and I couldn’t take it. Every ounce of control, every single effort, all shock was gone, and I lost it. Kairi said I stayed at the tomb for over twelve hours screaming. She said it took four guys from her job to be able to hold me down enough to carry me back to my house. I got destructive then. It’s why there are no more pictures on my walls, why the majority of the house is bare, why certain pieces of furniture are new. I destroyed so many things. I made Kairi cry so much.

It was about two weeks after my fit that I completely shut down. I didn’t eat, didn’t sleep, didn’t talk. Kairi had to move in with me just to make sure nothing happened to me. I would go days without sleeping, only eating because Kairi had to force feed me, then I would spend days in my bed sleeping. I wouldn’t do anything for myself. Kairi had to do everything.

Looking back on it, I feel horrible. Especially because I know she was suffering too. Sora was her friend just as he was mine. And she didn’t get time to properly grieve. She didn’t have a support system in me, the only other person who could feel almost exactly what she felt. She had to push her feelings aside to make sure I was alright. To make sure I was fed, to make sure I was clean, to make sure I wasn’t sleeping in my own bodily fluids, to make sure I wasn’t forcing myself to throw up the food she’d just fed me. To make sure I was alive.

Kairi has done more for me than anyone else could ever dream of. And she never complained. To this day she never mentions my breakdown, she never throws all the stuff she had to do in my face. We argue, yes, but she’s always pushing for me to get better. She never uses my breakdown against me. I know it weighs on her, but the previous times I’ve mentioned it she waves it off. “You were hurting, and friends are meant to be there for each other right?” Her voice always sounds sad when she says it. I know she isn’t meaning to, but I can’t help but feel jabbed at. Because I wasn’t there for her when she was hurting.

God, I miss her. She comes back in two days. Maybe I can plan a night for just the two of us, get her mind away from work. A night where she can just relax, and I can cater to her. It means absolutely nothing when compared to what she’s done for me, but it’s something.

I look back at Hayner, taking a deep breath. “Don’t worry about me, I’m fine. I just….miss him, you know? And sometimes, it’s hard.”

Hayner nods his head toward me, scooting closer my direction and reaching his hand out to place it on my knee. “I’m here for you, man. I know that we aren’t exactly close, and I know that I didn’t know Sora very well and I can’t even pretend to know what it feels like to lose somebody that close to you. Kairi’s the closest family I got. But I do remember watching her go through a tough loss.”

“Yeah, her and Sora were close.”

He shakes his head. “Not Sora, you. When you disappeared into yourself, she was heartbroken. I just….don’t wanna she her have to go through that again. So I’m here, whenever you need me. Even if you don’t wanna talk, we can just sit in silence. Okay? We’re friends now, at least in my book.”

He gives me a reassuring smile, and I can’t help but to return a small one of my own. He’s probably the last person I would ever turn to, but considering Kairi and Sora are the only other people on my list, it’s a comforting fact. Now I have one more person. When I can’t get to Sora, or I don’t want to burden Kairi, I have Hayner, as weird as that thought is. This lame-ass high school dropout is willing to help me. And I guess I can live with that. For now, anyway.

-0-

Hayner goes to bed after making sure for the hundredth time that I’m okay. He turned in around thirty minutes ago and I can already hear the faint snoring from down the hall. I’ve curled up on the couch, body facing Sora’s seat completely. I can still picture him sitting there, legs tucked up underneath him, body leading against the arm rest, shrimp fried rice in hand. I remember the way he looked when we all went shopping for furniture, how he sat down on this couch, in that corner, how his face lit up. “Oh Riku you just HAVE to get this one! It’s soooo comfy!” One look into those eyes was all it took. The price tag didn’t matter, Sora loved this couch. He claimed the spot as soon as it was delivered and placed in the living room. No one else has sat in it since. Not even the few random guest I had come over once upon a time.

To be honest, I hated this couch the moment I laid eyes on it. But it grew on me. The sleepless nights of playing video games, the long nights of movie marathons that Sora could never stay awake for. All those times when Sora didn’t lean toward the arm rest, and instead towards me. The moments we just settled into each other watching TV on rainy days. All the times we would just laze around on hot afternoons, Sora playing some hand held while I attempted to read, front door open and the cold breeze blowing in.

This couch is more special to me than anyone could possibly know. The moments when Sora got denied for his dream job and cried into that corner, or when he was stressing for some test and had notes spread out all over the place, or the time he came over drunk and ended up vomiting right in his seat. Every moment with this couch is precious to me. All except…

That night.

And the next day, when he didn’t sit so close.

I close my eyes, trying to push the thoughts away. Trying to push the negative feelings away and just to focus on the good. To just remember his smiling face, every time he laughed in that seat, every time he fell asleep and I would have to carry him to bed. The thoughts bring nothing but a smile to my face. A real genuine smile, one that feels slightly foreign to my face. Has it really been that long?

It’s around 4:00am when I finally force myself to get off the couch, deciding I should probably get some rest. Work starts at 9:00am. With a smile that’s turned a little sad, I bring my hand to my lips, placing a light kiss among my fingers before pressing my hand against Sora’s seat.

“Goodnight buddy. I miss you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know, Kairi has never really been my favorite character. In fact I disliked her for many years, but the way I'm writing her in this story is kinda making me like her. Even though I know this is just the her in my head. Oops(:
> 
> Anyway, I'm stuck on where I want the next chapter to go, so it might be forever before the next chapter updates. It will be up before the end of the month though!
> 
> I hope you enjoyed!


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